scum jokes

[madmanc]

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.



Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.



Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.



Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.



Are you Single?
Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.



Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.



Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.



Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!



Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.



Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.



Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.



Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.



Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick



Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.

[madmanc]

Manchester United Even the Pope hates them

A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan,so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobilestops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you scum to piss off yesterday?"...

Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks
"that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.
He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass man utd fan?"

A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes.
"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
"Final wish"
After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:
"I'd like to give a kidney transplant..

[madmanc]

There is shame and distress over one half of Manchester tonight, and they will be questioning what they did wrong and how it all went wrong for them today.
How they let Darren Fletcher score will be the biggest talking point.

My job is to control the crowds at Old Trafford. As the fouth goal flew in for City, I saw loads of people fly past me leaving early.

I said to one of them, "Hey mate, I understand, it must be shit watching your team play this badly, a lot of people would leave early as well..."

He replied, "What? No, if I don't leave now I won't make it back to London in time for my local team QPR's game against Chelsea"
just picked up my £500 double at the bookies gadafi and man u to both get murdered in the same week

I suppose the one positive for Man united fans today after the 6-1 defeat is that they don't live anywhere near Man city fans.

All the Man United players look pretty upset. Except Rooney. He can't count to 6. He just looks confused.

Lots of surprises today in the premier league. QPR beat chelsea, Man City destroyed Man U, and Arsenal won a match

What's the difference between a black cab and Manchester United?

A black cab only lets 5 in

The difference between the words; 'amazing' and 'priceless'.

Watching Man Utd losing 6-1 to Man City; Amazing

Listening to Gary Neville give a summary of events afterwards; Priceless


I wonder if Balotelli will be allowed to join in with Man City's firework celebrations tonight?


Manchester United V's Manchester city earlier :-

4th Official: How much time should we add Sir Alex ?

Sir Alex: Get that fucking whistle blown !!

Sir Alex Ferguson owes Roberto Mancini a Facebook apology

Who says money can't buy you happiness? Man City's millons have just bought a fucking huge smile to my face!

Joe Hart : "I was getting death threats all second half"

He wasn't worried though when he heard that Danny Welbeck would be firing the shots.

I can't wait for the new Six and the City film based in Manchester